Recognizing the Signs: Are You a Chronic People Pleaser?

Hello, fabulous readers! Today, we’re playing a little game of “Spot the People Pleaser.” It’s like Where’s Waldo, but instead of a striped shirt, we’re looking for telltale signs of chronic people pleasing. Ready? Let’s dive in. 

First up, do you find yourself apologizing for things that aren’t your fault? Like when someone bumps into you and you instinctively say, “I’m sorry!” If this sounds familiar, you might be a people pleaser. Over-apologizing is a common sign because we’re so eager to keep the peace and avoid conflict. 

Next, let’s talk about saying “no.” Or rather, not saying it. Chronic people pleasers have a really hard time with this one. Even if your plate is overflowing, you’ll find a way to squeeze in one more task, favor, or obligation. Saying “no” feels as impossible as climbing Mount Everest in flip-flops. Think about that and read it again to let it soak in. 

Now, how about adapting to fit in?  

A Chameleon.

Do you ever find yourself changing your opinions, style, or even your personality depending on who you’re with? People pleasers are often social chameleons, blending in to avoid standing out or causing a stir. It’s exhausting, right? 

Another sign is the emotional need for approval. You might find yourself constantly seeking validation from others, whether it’s through compliments, praise, or even just a nod of approval. Your self-worth becomes tied to what others think of you. It can sometimes fill that emotional need and even feel good, but it can also be a dangerous emotional game to play, because it can cause someone to bend over backwards and completely violate their own physical, emotional, and financial boundaries [just to name a few]. 

Lastly, let’s not forget about overcommitting. Your schedule is packed tighter than a can of sardines, yet you keep adding more and more and more. You either fear that saying no will disappoint others or your emotional need for approval is so strong, that you keep piling on tasks. Did you know that burnout is inevitable? 

Ben Affleck looking a little bit stressed, and possibly burned out.

So, why do we do this? Well, it often stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection and a desire to be liked. For women of color, cultural and societal pressures can intensify these feelings, making it even harder to break the cycle. 

But here’s the good news: recognizing these signs is the first step toward change. Awareness is a powerful tool. Once you can spot these patterns, you can start to address them. 

Start by giving yourself permission to prioritize your own needs. It’s not selfish; it’s necessary. The journey of decreasing people pleasing behaviors and actions includes learning and becoming familiar with understanding why prioritizing your own needs is an important part of one’s self-concept. 

Practice saying “no” in small ways, like turning down that second helping of dessert at dinner. Gradually work up to bigger things, like declining an extra project at work when you’re already swamped. 

Remember, it’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes – it's okay for you to make yourself priority sometimes. You can’t pour from an empty cup and you can’t keep running on fumes. By taking care of yourself, you’ll actually be in a better position to help others—just without losing yourself in the process. 

So, if you’ve recognized yourself in any of these signs, know that you’re not alone. Many of us are on this journey together. Let’s support each other, set healthy boundaries, and remember that it’s perfectly okay to say no. 

Stay tuned for more tips and tricks to conquer chronic people pleasing. Until then, take a deep breath, stand tall, and remember: you’ve got this!